I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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