This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
