You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
