sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
