My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
