I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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