I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
