If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
