How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
