He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
