Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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