I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why is there bacon in the couch?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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