I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
