Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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