You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize