I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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