What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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