Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
