im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
