THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
