You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
