and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
