They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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