The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
