Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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