i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
