i wish my penis had a tongue
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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