why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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