i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im six kinds of drunk right now
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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