I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
