Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
