I wish I could teleport
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think i got beer on your cat.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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