I accidentally burped into my bong.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
