saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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