im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
