My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
