I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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