I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize