I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
