you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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