I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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