Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
