Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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