So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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