im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
