you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
