Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
