just tell him i said nine months
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize