I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
