i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
