Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Please don't give away my fajitas
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
