Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
