I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
