i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
