I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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