Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
