the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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