I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
