Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
