The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize