I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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