my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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